I would like to be able to explain in a fluid and clear way all my thoughts, but it is undoubtedly a complicated task, since in the process of writing there is also a lapse of premeditation of the mind in which I feel that I can be self-analyzed and then self-corrected as a self-defense to avoid knowing myself completely or to avoid displeasure that I do not want to accept, even at this moment I feel fear for the mere fact that I am trying to write in detail, it is almost as if there was someone else inside me trying to prevent me from asking for help, avoiding a cry for help. I feel alone in spite of the company, I think I am totally disgusted in this world, first of all, I know that they will be able to see me with friends, I have to be honest, at least, of all that I have had to live they are the best part, I would not know how to explain exactly, but somehow they allow me a distraction that precisely prevents me, as if it were a drug, to forget my disgusted life in the world. I am actually afraid because I am not even sure what I am saying, but I can pretend to be many things, I can pretend to be happy or confident, I have even been told I have the ability to speak, but none of those things satisfy me, I am not interested in having the ability to speak, I consider in a way that our language is our own destruction, because we learn it empirically, so unless you specialize, you will only use language in the wrong ways most of the time. I would like to think that I am crazy and that the reality in which I find myself is nothing but a lie of my own mind, I have a feeling of sadness for what I just wrote, since it makes me sad somehow to observe myself that these desires I should not have them, I know there are people who care about me, like my parents and my sister, I know they care a lot about me and value me, but I feel that at some point in my life I have come to lose the value that I myself considered to have, I feel like a failure without possibilities, given that in view of my thoughts I do not feel fit for anything, I do not find any satisfaction in this world.

I would not want anyone to be scared when I say that I see no meaning in life, I have even read that the meaning of life is given by oneself with his decisions, but precisely, I have no idea what meaning to give to my life, I feel I need to see beyond what my eyes see to be able to make a decision. I usually believe that a human is expected to be born, to develop, to make his own decisions that will eventually lead him to live his life. But my way I think, so defeatist way of looking at things is that someone or something has deceived us, I think we have false ideas about freedom, we think we are free and of course with learned logic and learned definitions we could prove that we do indeed have freedom. But in another sense, I only see that in the first instance, while I was a child and only reaching my parents, since it would be a mess to explain the past to infinity, they who in some way already held the title of Catholics, inferred in giving me that knowledge, being a child without the possibility of deciding before the arguments of my parents, I entered a Catholic convent to begin my primary school studies, already some limits were beginning to be marked then in my life by ideological issues, Since in the convent I was taught behaviors that were supposedly necessary for my good life, behaviors that seemed boring, annoying and meaningless, of course as a child, I believed in the fantasies that I was told, however after making experiments based on the theory that I was taught I came to my own conclusions, so I did not develop the Catholic spirit that my parents might have wanted, I do not hate my parents either, I understand that in a similar way to mine they were limited before without the possibility of choosing. Then it also happens that it would seem that, like machines our parents, for some reason believe that it is their ultimate duty to send their children to school, supposedly thinking that they should receive education, but many times unfortunately, I believe that many of those parents do not even have an idea of what education is. In reality I think that some of them are cheated, the process has a double-edged background, although it is true that a certain level of education is received, it is undeniable that the purposes for which our parents begin their investment in the schooling of their children is because they expect to visualize a transformation, many times according to their way of thinking I think they also expect that transformation as if they were machines, that is, I think that at the end of the day they are not so interested in the education that their children can achieve, but the skills they can develop so that they want to see that their children are able to transform work, whether physical or intellectual, into money, the most important and powerful variable in this world, which is precisely the reason why I feel locked in and believe that we are all prisoners and slaves, well not all, after all, someone has to conduct the orchestra or in other words, there must be enslavers.

Sometimes it is very difficult to notice it, since there are classifications among the prisoners themselves, some have advantages that others don’t, besides marketing controls the minds of the masses to maintain the general happiness of the prisoners and avoid escapes, although I really don’t think there are many possibilities out there, since I believe that one of the ways to get out is to become a slaver, hardly anyone would get out without becoming that, in fact, it seems so unlikely to me, but I think that would be, if it exists, the only dream I would pursue. Well, to be more clear, I abhor the methods of life that exist, I do not doubt that you can live happily deceived, but if you do not stop thinking that you need to deceive yourself to be happy, then the torment accompanies you, as it happens to me and does not let you sleep, or dream, the future disappears from your mind, you become engrossed again and again in every problem you see, you do not let your mind breathe, you fear everything, insecurity invades you every day, you don’t know how you are going to survive in the game that someone imposed on you and in which besides, you hate the rules, competitiveness is the endless war, I don’t feel calm, I don’t have the best of the possible lives, but I don’t have one of the worst either and yet those limits exist, then, how am I supposed to live knowing that my existence is the cause of the existence of someone else behind my back, it seems that we cannot place ourselves in the same point, it is necessary to classify, it is always like that. I don’t understand the world, I definitely don’t, and I strongly doubt that anyone does, I usually get advice about this, but I don’t always believe them, sometimes the older ones notice things that for me are insignificant, it is true that they have more experience in this game, but this game is very sophisticated, it evolves, new levels appear every time a certain time passes, that is perfectly reflected in the times of the human being, those are the levels that change.

I don’t know who I am, perhaps someone could know about himself, I don’t know what I want, is it possible to want something without an egomaniacal desire (I believe that desire is an inevitable evil of this earthly life, of our humanity, so I must live through a certain level of ego and I would not like to tolerate such an existence, but the utopia of an infinite peace in the world is my desiring sin). I don’t know where I’m going either because every time I want to design a goal I always end up realizing that something in that goal ends up making me feel bad, either because in reality what I want to achieve is unstable or because I can’t feel sure of what I want, sometimes I even think that it simply makes no sense to achieve goals, after all I would only invent them out of nothing and therefore somehow I feel that they would be nothing.

That is the honest truth that comes from the bottom of my soul, or wherever the most vital part of my being is supposed to exist. Since, within the game, I have variables already defined that give values to the above concepts, after all, I need those variables to continue in the game; because of them I assume that I am a sane and confident person, I assume that I want to dedicate myself for example to scientific research, that I somehow want to get involved in advanced technology developments and I also assume that I am heading for a future in which I will feel satisfied with my life. However as I have tried to say, those are things I take for granted without a critical foundation, at least to my own understanding, since even though I imagine that it would be nice to keep learning about science, to contribute to the most futuristic technological development I can imagine, I feel that all this is not leading me to anything, indeed, it is not easy to learn by conventional methods, It is not easy to learn by conventional methods that lie in schooling, since many times I have felt disinterested in continuing in school, since although I am supposed to be in the career closest to my tastes, there are things that I do not like to do during the supposed development of school learning, such as having to work in teams with strangers. In addition, due to the distance I am from the Faculty (spending 2 hours of travel to come and 2 hours to return) plus the time I have to do in school I hardly have time to do other activities that I would like to do such as studying music and mastering an instrument which involves practice that is summed up in time.

So as I was saying, even if I imagine that I can finish school and get a degree, I feel that the only thing the world offers me in exchange for it is a place to work or build a place for others to come to work, either of those options do not satisfy me, moreover, a dystopian dream that occurs to me is that the day comes when there is so much technology controlling the world so that in that same way I can destroy it, and I do not mean that I am thinking of destroying humanity, but something that I think can not be understood more than in dreams: I believe in a liberation in which we are not sentenced to circumstances determined by our mere existence.